Scatterbrain (2003) SSC

  This book is for all of my collaborators. Thank you for your endless generosity. My life would have been quite different without you.

  Contents

  INTRODUCTION: WHERE DO I GET MY CRAZY IDEAS?

  DESTINY’S ROAD Excerpted from the novel

  THE RINGWORLD THRONE Excerpted from the novel

  THE WOMAN IN DEL RAY CRATER

  LOKI

  PROCRUSTES

  MARS: WHO NEEDS IT? Non-Fiction for Space.com

  HOW TO SAVE CIVILIZATION AND SAVE A LITTLE MONEY Non-Fiction for Space.com

  THE BURNING CITY Collaboration with Jerry Pournelle

  SATURN’S RACE Collaboration with Steven Barnes

  ICE AND MIRRORS Collaboration with Brenda Cooper

  DISCUSSION WITH BRENDA COOPER RE: “ICE AND MIRRORS”

  SMUT TALK A Draco Tavern Story

  TELEPRESENCE

  LEARNING TO LOVE THE SPACE STATION

  AUTOGRAPH ETIQUETTE

  TABLETOP FUSION

  COLLABORATION

  INTERCON TRIP REPORT

  HANDICAP

  DID THE MOON MOVE FOR YOU TOO?

  HUGO AWARD ANECDOTES

  INTRODUCTION TO PETE HAMILTON STORY “WATCHING TREES GROW”

  INTRODUCTORY MATERIAL FOR MAN-KZIN WARS II

  CANON FOR THE MAN-KZIN WARS

  EPILOGUE: WHAT I TELL LIBRARIANS

  Introduction: Where Do I Get My Crazy Ideas?

  Yes, I finally figured it out!

  It’s the same reason I can’t remember your name, or face, or where we met.

  My brain has a lousy retrieval system. Data does surface, but there’s no reason to think it’ll be the data I went looking for.

  I got 99.9 percent on the California high-school system’s math aptitude test in 1956. What made college so difficult was my daydreaming in math and physics and chemistry class. Something would spark an idea—the second law of thermodynamics, say—and off I’d go, following the implication that the most efficient heat engines will be built on Pluto. I broke more glassware in chem lab than anyone else.

  I dozed and daydreamed through psychology, too, but that got me an A. What they teach in psychology class is fiction without internal consistency. Dreaming helps codify such stuff. Where was I? The point is, my brain will chase a datum through pathways no sane mind would ever consider and come out matching data that never belonged together in the same book, or library, or mind.

  So. Early in my career, thirty-odd years ago, I noticed that time travel is fantasy. There appeared to be no way to make time travel consistent with the laws we think govern the universe. But the best stories are told as games of internal logic, as if time travel were science fiction.

  So I dreamed up the Institute for Temporal Research, though the title came from elsewhere. I wrote these stories as a Green pessimist. Thus: By A.D. 3100 most of the life-forms we know are extinct. The United Nations rules the world, and the Secretary General is an inbred idiot who likes animals. The ITR keeps sending its agents back in time for animals out of a book for children.

  I only sold one story to Playboy magazine in my life, and it was the one in which agent Hanville Svetz has to kill the great sea serpent to retrieve Moby Dick.

  The joke played out after five stories, so I quit.

  Then a funny thing happened. Carl Sagan got the mathematician Kip Thorne to build him a plausible time machine. Now time travel is science fiction.

  And a notion was playing around in my head.

  Any student of mythology might consider that Yggdrasil the Norse world-tree, and “Jack and the Beanstalk,” and “Jacob’s Ladder” are all stories that belong in the same box. Every one of them is a tower to Heaven. Several human cultures have believed that the world has an axis, a center point. Yggdrasil runs through it.

  Many physics teachers and most science fiction writers will understand the concept of an orbital tower—a tether with its center of mass in a twenty-four-hour “Clarke” orbit, and one end anchored on the equator. Sometimes it’s called a Beanstalk. Such a thing would have to be stronger than any material we know how to use. We can postulate stronger materials, and the likeliest are based on carbon: monofilament crystals or fullerine tubules.

  Plants are good at manipulating carbon. Thus, any madman might dream that an orbital tower could be a real plant.

  The easiest place to build (or to grow and cultivate) an orbital tower isn’t Earth, it’s Mars, with its low gravity and high spin.

  Mars had a canal network before the probes arrived.

  Are you buying this? And if all of that were to come together in one mind, true madness might pick up a few oddities on the way:

  Time travel was pure fantasy until Kip Thorne got involved. Then the mathematicians started competing for the cheapest possible time machine. They use wormholes and exotic matter, and they all look more like a highway than an automobile. You can’t travel to any time where you haven’t already built the highway.

  Now it’s science fiction. But earlier than that…a horse from medieval times, picked up by a time machine, has a horn in its forehead. Ranchers removed it to tame the beast.

  And Mars was populated, and covered with canals, until the recent past. Hell, we’ve got maps of Mars dating from a century ago, and it’s all canals. They must have been there until just before the probes arrived.

  We called it Rainbow Mars instead of Svetz and the Beanstalk. Tor Books published it in March 1999.

  I seem to have a bumper sticker mind.

  The surface of the Earth is the last place you would want to fight a war.

  This may sound simplistic, but during the Cold War there were loud voices proclaiming that the last place we want to fight a war is space! Most of us live on the surface of the Earth! The only exceptions are aboard Freedom space station.

  Think of it as evolution in action.

  In Oath of Fealty Jerry and I used this as a running theme, mutating from a chance remark to a suicide’s manifesto to a graffito to a bumper sticker…but it’s a useful concept in real life. The Jonestown massacre really bothered my brother; “Think of it as evolution in action” was what I told him. It helped.

  I hike with Jerry Pournelle and his dog on the hill behind his house in Studio City. We solve the world’s problems up there. Jerry is sure that the exercise sends blood to our brains and makes us temporarily smarter. It beats drinking, which is what we used to do.

  We come down the hill with bullets.

  When I was on a panel at Houston, I heard one of the panelists describing bullets. NASA loves bullets. A bullet is the short, punchy statement you put on a screen while you’re making a speech, in the hope that someone will remember something ten minutes after you’ve stopped talking.

  And on that panel, I said, “The dinosaurs didn’t have a space program!” and the whole audience went, “Ooo!” I heard Story Musgrave quoting me that night.

  So Jerry and I talk about space colonization, and why we don’t have a Moonbase, and presently I’m saying, “If we can put a man on the Moon, why can’t we put a man on the Moon?”

  Or we’re talking about President Bill Clinton. I listen to radio talk shows while I drive. I learn that Clinton has been exposed as a sexual bandit and an habitual thief, he’s selling political favors to China, and his popularity is up above 70 percent. None of the talk show hosts or the callins can figure it out. And on the hill I hear Jerry talking the same way.

  But it’s obvious!

  The Soviet Union has fallen. Some of what brought them down happened at my house, with Jerry officiating, but that’s another story. George Bush Sr. could have snatched some of the credit for the Soviet collapse, but he tried to prop them up instead.

  Seven year
s later, the celebration was hitting its full swing. Clinton had taken on the mantle of the Corn King. Anything he does with any passing woman helps to fertilize the fields. Anything the Corn King wants is his. Talking about theft is missing the point. He was even getting tribute from foreign powers!

  Somebody should have told him what happens to the Corn King if the crops fail.

  But the stock market didn’t plunge until Clinton was about to leave office.

  So one day Jerry and I were talking about evolution. Some human genes improve the odds of survival, but some genes are junk. They only ride along with the survival traits. It seems that evolution never allows a creature to do an editing job on its own genes.

  WATCH THIS SPACE. We’re right at the edge of being able to do that.

  Meanwhile Jerry and I were talking about death, and senility, and why these traits haven’t been bred out of the human race.

  When you think of human evolution, you want to picture tribes of about a hundred hunter-gatherers. Less than that, the tribe’s not too successful. Evolution may be about to lose them. More than a hundred, they break up so they can find enough to eat. So it’s a hundred people including a few wise old men in their forties.

  Wise old women, too, for all we know, but they mostly didn’t talk to the men. This notion of men talking to women is fairly recent. I’ve got no information on the wise old women. Ask Ursula LeGuin.

  If the old men weren’t there, everyone would have to learn everything the hard way, over and over. But too many old men would be eating up the resources, and that’s why we haven’t evolved away from death. So far so good.

  Alzheimer’s hits about one out of five. We used to say he’s gone senile, but that was when we thought everyone was at risk. Turns out it’s a genetic thing. One in five.

  Now, if one old man out of five loses his mind, the tribe can still survive. Jerry’s argument for the survival of Alzheimer’s disease is that natural selection doesn’t care.

  But wait.

  Old men aren’t always right. Clarke’s law applies here. Times change, and we geezers can’t always follow. There are times when we—sorry, when you shouldn’t listen to the geezers. We should at least be required to justify our hoary old copybook maxims.

  And the elders will damn well have to, if one out of every five is a drooling idiot who can’t remember whether his grandson is his brother for more than ten minutes at a time.

  And that’s Niven’s theory for why Alzheimer’s has survived.

  I want to tell you a writer’s story.

  In 1980 or so, I went to Steven Barnes’s to work on our second novel. Steve’s a black man from South-Central Los Angeles. He was a Heinlein fan at age ten. He owned a house with a picket fence in Grenada Hills, north of me.

  I got there. He showed me Dream Park, Ace Books, just out. This is the book that generated a subculture, the international Fantasy Gaming Society, that runs live role-playing games up mountains and across deserts and down rivers. Mark Matthew-Simmons borrowed the name from our book, with permission.

  My name on Dream Park was bigger than Steven’s.

  This is an insult to us both. In publishing tradition it implies that he did the work, and I put my name on it to sell more copies. I’ve actually had such an offer, once. Dammit, if my name is on it I did my 80 percent! And so did my collaborator!

  So I said, “This isn’t my fault!” Hell, he knew that.

  Steve said, “But what do I tell my friends and neighbors?”

  “Tell ’em it’s because I’m white.”

  Heh-heh. But of course I told that story to Jerry Pournelle…

  1990. Four paperbacks arrived from England on a Thursday afternoon. N-Space, Lucifer’s Hammer, Oath of Fealty, and The Mote in God’s Eye. My name showed on N-Space in wonderful embossed curved letters in reflective silver. The other three looked very similar…because Jerry’s name in each case was much smaller, in flat white.

  I took them to the Los Angeles Science Fantasy Society that night. Jerry caught me. He said, “If you show those around, I’ll kill you.”

  Ralph Vicinanza, our agent for foreign monies, got copies too. He wrote the company, Macdonald Futura Publications Ltd., and demanded they withdraw the books. Their answer was, “There’s nothing in the contracts that says we’ve got to make the names of both authors the same size.”

  “We’ll see about that!” Ralph began looking through the contracts.

  In the meantime I learned a little of the background.

  Macdonald was a British billionaire who bought up everything in sight, including Futura. Then he disappeared off a yacht. It was discovered that he was a billion pounds in debt. Notice that there’s still no good reason to think he’s found a watery grave. He could have found a plantation in Brazil.

  So Futura Publications ended in receivership, and the business administration graduate who found himself in charge of keeping the company going may never have met a live author. Certainly he couldn’t guess how Jerry Pournelle might respond to having his name made barely noticeable on three book covers.

  By 1990 Steven and Jerry and I were all at work on The Legacy of Heorot. Jerry had expanded his office into a cavernous space, so we all worked there.

  I really wanted to see Steve’s face when he saw those covers. I got to Jerry’s house in time that morning, but I’d hurt my knee: a torn meniscus. I inched my way up the stairs and I got there too slow. They were laughing like maniacs, and then Jerry told me Steve had—nope. There really are things I can’t tell you.

  I had no idea Steve had that power. I asked him to show me his robe, but he wouldn’t.

  Meanwhile, Ralph Vicinanza was still looking through contracts. What he discovered was that the term limit had run out on A Mote in God’s Eye. They didn’t have the right to reprint it at all.

  What made that really interesting was that Jerry and I had just finished The Moat Around Murcheson’s Eye, published in the States as The Gripping Hand. If we could sell those two books as a package, they’d be worth a lot more money.

  And we did that.

  There came a letter from Macdonald, saying (in essence): “I was in America when these events took place. I’m now in charge at Macdonald. We’re really sorry.” I have no idea where the man in charge of making these covers disappeared to.

  And there came a stack of books, very similar to the ones that had been pulped except that the authors’ names, embossed in curvy silver letters, were of the exact same size. They got that by making the letters in Jerry’s name narrower.

  Intelligence tells you what your rights are, but not whether to exercise them.

  There was nothing to tell a business administration graduate that the entire publishing industry is based on trust. We see contracts this thick. We argue fiercely about the clauses. But—

  When he was negotiating for Lord Valentine’s Castle, Robert Silverberg got Pocket Books to write in a clause calling for $60,000 to be spent on publicity. Innovative idea! Might have worked. Came the time, that clause just got forgotten. Oops. Did Bob Silverberg sue? He did not. Writers would rather be writing than in court.

  When Jerry and I wrote a sequel to Dante’s Inferno, Pocket Books had no faith in it. They put it in a royalties pool with Mote. Instead of sending us royalty money for A Mote in God’s Eye, they were applying it to the advance money for Inferno.

  Now, that’s not uncommon, but there is an implication that the damn book will be published! But Pocket Books had a shakeup, and Inferno sat forgotten for two years. By publication date they had paid no advance.

  Book contracts are based on mutual trust. The publisher can ignore any clause, knowing that the writer hasn’t time, money, or inclination to bring him to court. The writer is guessing when he says he can finish a novel at all, let alone tell you when.

  There are authors who will sign a contract for peanuts, spend the advance, and then decide they’ve been cheated. The whole industry comes to know who they are.

  The publish
er bets on the author’s guess, and his honor.

  Only wisdom can tell a bean counter not to declare war on people whose weaponry he doesn’t understand.

  A writer’s best friend is his editor.

  Don’t buy that? Try this: a writer’s most valuable unpaid servant is his editor.

  I’m raising the subject because many good writers don’t understand it, and those included Robert Heinlein, who missed very little.

  The reasons seem to be historical.

  The generation of writers ahead of me came out of an era of censorship…which may have lasted tens of thousands of years. Allowing people to speak their piece is a new thing for governments and religions. So the most conspicuous thing an editor could do, during the pulp era, was to tell a writer what he couldn’t publish.

  Robert Heinlein was the first science fiction writer to become too powerful to be censored, at least in this country. In England, Arthur Clarke may have had the power to demand that an editor do it his way, though he rarely used it. Thing was, Robert Heinlein should not have used that power. His early stories were lean and dense with ideas. He was the most copied writer since Dante. But his later novels sprawl all over the place. They needed an editor!

  Alfred Bester needed Horace Gold. The Demolished Man and The Stars My Destination date from the Horace Gold era. Golem 100 was written without Gold.

  I can describe what one or another editor has done for me.

  Frederik Pohl bought my first four stories. He published “World of Ptavvs,” the novelet (named by Judy-Lynn Benjamin), in Worlds of Tomorrow, but he also ran it down the street to Betty Ballantine, who bought it as a novel to be expanded. He once intended to commission articles on the oddest entities in the astrophysical zoo and pair them with my stories set in those same places. The scheme fell through, but he had me thinking in terms of the odd pockets of creation: a habit I’ve kept.